Third try.  Freaking internet connection.  As I was saying, this is a sad day at Gaia.  I've been on all morning, trying to find a way to offer a little comfort to many who need comfort today.  I've shed tears and even broke down and sobbed.  So that's enough for today.  I need to stop, give it break.  Garden, bake, go back to bed, maybe a Xanax or two would be in order.  I don't know.  I just know that I love so many of you so much.  And today hurts.

east


Oh, I guess that may have been a typo (What person that you feel deeply attached to lives furthest away? Where do they live, and how do you maintain your connection? Do you find it east or difficult to stay in touch with someone remote?) Derek, my eldest, lives the very furthest away.  I'm in Idaho and he's in Florida.  We stay in very close contact.  He calls me and texts me often. He still likes to ask my advice about important decisions, sends me pictures (via cell phone) when he buys something new or sees something cool that he wants to share with me.  He calls me when he is bored.  He calls me when he is sad.  He calls me when he is worried.  He calls me when he's really happy.  I don't really call him that often because he calls so regularly  ~ that way I know I'm not being pesky.  If I haven't heard from him in over five days, then I'll give him a call to say "hey" and to make sure that everything is okay.

 He works in Alaska on the pipeline, same company as my husband, so my husband actually gets to see him and give him bear hugs every month.  That makes me a little green eyed with envy but also glad that he can keep a "physical" eye on him. 

I still feel so connected with Derek that I don't feel that "far away" unless I let myself start thinking about touching him and/or looking at him.  There is just something about looking into your child's eyes, caressing their cheeks, running your hands through their hair . . . it's one of life's biggest joys for me. 

Well, now I have a lump in my throat.

I'm sort of a hermit so I don't actually pass by that many people and then when I do find myself out in public I turn into this big chatter box because I haven't spoken to any adults in so long that my social side goes into overdrive and I talk to practically anyone who will listen or pretend to listen.  So . . . hmmmmm . . . oh, geeze, I just happened to think about the last store I went into, at my husband's request, my husband who has been gone for nearly five weeks and will be returning -finally- next week - and well, I'm realizing that this wasn't a good Q & A to respond to.  I even asked the saleslady to please leave me alone (politely and with a bright blush).  Okay.  TMI as my kids would say.  Should I push send?

Oh what the heck.

Seriously.

If anyone read my rant-y blog yesterday (since erased with sincere apologies to the man above) they'll know that I was having a seriously bad day.  I mean, it was Sunday, but I was having a Monday.  I've been having a lot of those lately. 

If that wasn't bad enough, I starting complaining and whining about it.  A lot.  Bitch, bitch, moan, moan.  And things just kept going from bad to worse. 

So, there I was, out in the garden, trying to chill out and get some work done at the same time.  Of course it was blazing hot and not as pleasant as I had imagined it.  Daughter brings me my cell phone with someone on the other end - there is just no escaping it.  It was my husband ,so I'm talking to him, pacing around the garden, and yeah, just unloading all of my terrible woes upon his sweet head.  Next thing I know I stepped on a hoe.  Just like in a cartoon, it whacked me right upside the head.  Hard, too.  I fell to the ground, dropped the phone, put my hand to my throbbing temple and just felt pretty whoozy and even a bit pukey.  Ryan witnessed God slapping me upside the head and came running.  He didn't even laugh.  Oh, he's such a good boy.  He said "Mama, you're bleeding."  The phone started ringing and I was trying to tell my husband what happened but I was laughing rather hysterically and had to give the phone over to Amanda who was by then gettting me some frozen peas for a rather large bleeding goose-egg.  

Sleeping didn't go well lastnight because every time I rolled over onto my right side, well, pain woke me up.  No biggie, nothing life threatening, just enough pain to wake me up and get me giggling again. 

I swear, God, the Universe, or whatever you would like to call it/him/her literally smacked me upside the head and told me to shut-up yesterday.  Quit'cher whining, girl! 
Got it. 

My big brother had a pretty good day of it, as well.  Any prayers for his well being and strength of spirit would be much appreciated.  Mike.  I found out he is a) getting divorced
 b) losing his house (so that's really b,c,&d - house, wife, kids) e) some apparition in a white tux (it's assumed he was a left-over drunk from a wedding on Saturday night) walking down the highway caused Mike to swerve on his way to a bass tournament and he rolled his truck & bass boat three times.  He's okay, physically (thank you dear lord) but pretty darn depressed.  Loving you, my Mikey. 

I just realized that the whole reason I was getting out the camera and heading out to the garden was to record something that was bringing me joy - even though I was sort of taking myself out of "in this moment" wasn't  I?  So . . . my pictures again - this brings me joy these days



Joey, the German Shepard puppy.  He's getting big, yes?  Val, Ryan's dog, poking his head in brings me more headaches then joy but you know, he's a baby too. 

Mandi & Ryan are in middle school and their school has adopted a uniform policy this year.  I, personally, am thrilled senseless.  It's so easy!  I may still hear about Mandi's hair not behaving properly in the morning but I'm not going to hear about nothing matching, she has nothing to wear etc. etc. etc.  She won't be trying to make me feel badly about the fact that she doesn't have clothes from Hollister and Abercrombie (like all of her friends!).  I won't be sending her back to her room to find a top that doesn't show cleavage.  Ryan never was too tough to deal with as long as I kept his clothes decently trendy but he did  have a little trouble matching up some mornings.  That's gone now. 

The controversy and out-cry about uniforms stumps me a little bit.  I've heard that it's against the law, against the constitution, that it will take away our children's individuality,  and that it's more expensive. 

Individuality ~ My children want to wear what their friends are wearing and what the commercials, magazines, and T.V. shows are telling them they should wear if they want to be "in", be "cool", be "popular".   There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of individuality being expressed.  Even the goths, emo's and wanta-be-gang-bangers wear a type of "uniform".  Mandi has shown a true sense of individuality this year by buying accessories that please her.  She has a whacky sense of style when it comes to bags, purses, necklaces & earrings.  She had a lot of fun concentrating on that with her money while I bought her khaki's & polo shirts (minus the polo insignia or any other identifying mark - they had to be plain which was a bit of a challenge in girls/teens clothes, although the boys were easy & cheap to find).  They can wear whatever shoes they want (an oversight in my opinion) so that also helped her to individualize her look.  She didn't insist on expensive, as a matter of fact we found her four pair of adorable shoes for less than $30 (clearance, clearance, clearance) to round off her uniform & accessories.   We went right back to expensive when it came to Ryan's shoes.  He had to have the expensive trendy skater shoes.  The cost of tennis shoes can be a hair raising experience these days.

More expensive ~ hello, McFly!  I don't think so!  I found Ryan's shirts for between $3.99 and $12.00 each.  Yes!  Mandi's were between $7.99 & 12.99 each.  Yes!  The khaki's & dress pants tended to be cheap for Ryan and a little more spendy for Mandi because she's such a tiny hard-to-find-size, but her jeans are always much more expensive for the same reason (size 0) (if she wasn't my daughter I would have unkind words for her for being so naturally thin)  (and she did go up to size 1  in some brands - fat ass - oh, did I say that?  I didn't mean it).  So, more expensive?  Not in this household!

I watched the kids pour out of the school yesterday, and maybe I'm getting old or something, but they all looked so nice!  There were plenty of colors - pink, yellow, green, gray & white polo's.  (five colors, I know, another oversight imho)  Khaki's, dress black & navy pants.  They didn't look cloned.  They just looked nice.

The law, the constitution ~ yeah, well.  My gf told me that by law if a public school instituted a uniform policy then they had to provide the uniform.  Um hmm.  I had to pay $15 a piece for the kid's gym uniforms.  I've been informed that they both have to have seperate tennis shoes for gym class (2 more pair of shoes to buy!)   I had to pay $2 each for "school something or another" fee.  I had to pay $45 for a home-game-pass for Mandi because she is a cheerleader and has to go to home games. (let's not even talk about the cost of the cheerleading uniform!)  I had to pay $7.50 each for lock deposits.  And on & on.  You get the idea.  And then there were the endless list of school supplies needed.  I'm even expected to provide the teachers with kleenex and dry-eraser pens for their rooms.  This year even included red pens!  WTF?  It's expensive sending your kid to school.  No doubt. I agree.  But the uniform actually eased my burden somewhat this year. 

. . .  now for those highlights Mandi would like put in her hair . . .

I talk, I laugh, I cry, I write, I read, I hug my Pooh, I pet my dog(s), I ask my husband for a cuddle, I go sit in my hammock chair under a tree.  I listen to this song  . . . I can't believe I like this song, actually.  The first time I heard my daughter listening to it I asked her " What in God's name is that?"  After she kept playing it and playing it, it started growing on me.  It's ridiculous and funny and senseless and beautiful and the music makes me bounce around.

I laugh hysterically when I get carded and offer my glasses to the person carding me.

Just when I think everything is going to be okay.  So many things blowing apart that I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream.  I laugh and cry and refrain from screaming so I don't scare the kids.  Okay, God, I give.  On my knees. 

Well friends, loved ones, it looks as though there is light at the end of the tunnel!  The state has agreed to monthly payments (rather large payments, might I add) and this means no more levy's or garnishments, or at least not for the next 12 months.  I guess at that time we need to do a review.  So, clapping hands!  Not jumping up and down for joy because it's going to mean a rather drastic change in our finances but you know what?  That's okay.  It should be do-able and having your accounts swept of all money - well that is definitely not do-able! 

I want to thank all of you for being here for me.  It would have been so much worse for me not to have so much and support poured out in such a lovely and unexpected way.  For those of you who sent money - what do I say that I haven't already said?  Words are just not enough to express the gratitude.  Paul/Heemes, you not only jumped in to help me out but you also taught me some very valuable lessons about humility and acceptance.  Nono - woman, you rock!  Sandra - yeah, you rock too!  MamaKat- you're just always there for me and you know I love you.  If anyone reading this hasn't checked out MamaKat's newest pod all about helping people please do @  The Cup of Joe Project .  Tom, you're a weiner.  An Angel Weiner.  A marvelous funny generous weiner.  ALL of you that jumped in with words of encouragement and kindness- you all rock!  This community and the love it contains makes it possible to believe in a better world.  The world that I know is there but that I sometimes forget exists with all of the daily bull*%*@,

I talked to Jenni on the phone today.  We have been playing phone tag for about six months now and we finally connected.  I have to tell you, it was marvelous.  How odd it somehow seems to love someone so much that I've never met in person, never even talked to in person until today.  But I just do.  And I feel the same way about so many of you.  (no worries, Jens, you're still my BOFF!)

I feel good.  I've been out digging around in the garden and finally harvesting the fruits of my labor . . . which of course leads to more labor - lol - try canning on a 100 degree day - but this is what all that work was for.  The cattle didn't even get it this year (although they did get my neighbors).  If anyone needs zucchini, squash (yellow, butternut & acorn), green beans, tomatoes, eggplant, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe . . . well, wow, I have tons!  Oh & green & hot peppers as well.  Oh & carrots.  Pumpkins will be ready in October.  Pears . . . maybe in two weeks, three?  Worms got the apples.